Heidelberg, Germany – During a recent systematic theology seminar at the University of Heidelberg, Prof. Dr. Michael Welker called local student Florenz Dietrich’s shirt “unredeemable,” along with damning carrots shortly thereafter. Welker, who is widely regarded for his work on the Holy Spirit, offered this condemnation while the seminar was debating the exact boundaries of Christ’s cosmic salvific work and what might possibly exist outside of God’s redeeming grace. The light-blue shirt in question, which features what appears to be a grinning alligator leaping mid-stride in the course of a marathon, and which also hosts a small chocolate ice-cream stain, was one of Dietrich’s favorite grungy tees before the incident. Local PhD student in Systematic Theology Peter Baader commented, “man, I have seen that shirt many a time, and it is damned ugly.” In a later attempt to distance himself from the cursed object, Dietrich told friends that he had actually stolen the shirt from his younger brother’s closet.
