Two Kingdoms Doctrine to Include The Magic Kingdom

Geneva, Switzerland – According to recent reports the World Council of Churches is set to expand the two kingdoms doctrine in order to include The Magic Kingdom. Speaking on behalf of the Faith and Order Commission, Prof. Constantine Scouteris noted,  ”Boniface and Luther had no idea of the immense power and glory of The Magic Kingdom, and our recent decision to include the sword in the stone alongside the temporal and spiritual swords reflects present realities.” Responsibilities allocated to the new kingdom include hilarity, exorbitant taxation, and the moral formation of millions upon millions of children. In return The Magic Kingdom was also ordered immediately to stop all further sequels to The Aladdin series and to produce DVDs and videos that self-destruct after three viewings, thus sparing family and friends infinite viewings of Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Space Buddies.

Guy Who’s Not Going to Get Hired Just Asked About Random Drug Tests

Wilmore, KN – David Willis, an abd PhD canidate in Christian Origins at Emory, just became the guy who’s not going to be get hired. During a recent interview for a faculty post with the new president of Asbury Theological Seminary, Timothy Craig Tennent, Willis not only asked about the possibility of random drug tests amongst faculty members, but also pointed out the similarity of Tennent’s surname to a lager that is currently widely popular in the UK. Unaware of his faux pas, Willis commented after his interview weekend, “well that went really well. I even think that the President was impressed with my general interest in the intracies of higher education law.” However, it appears that once Willis left the interview, Tennent immediately said to his personal assistant, ”that guy’s definitely not going to get hired.”

Prominent Theologian Calls Student’s Shirt “Unredeemable”

Heidelberg, Germany – During a recent systematic theology seminar at the University of Heidelberg, Prof. Dr. Michael Welker called local student Florenz Dietrich’s shirt “unredeemable,” along with damning carrots shortly thereafter. Welker, who is widely regarded for his work on the Holy Spirit, offered this condemnation while the seminar was debating the exact boundaries of Christ’s cosmic salvific work and what might possibly exist outside of God’s redeeming grace. The light-blue shirt in question, which features what appears to be a grinning alligator leaping mid-stride in the course of a marathon, and which also hosts a small chocolate ice-cream stain, was one of Dietrich’s favorite grungy tees before the incident. Local PhD student in Systematic Theology Peter Baader commented, “man, I have seen that shirt many a time, and it is damned ugly.” In a later attempt to distance himself from the cursed object, Dietrich told friends that he had actually stolen the shirt from his younger brother’s closet.

Area Man Uses Bible Maps to Plan Family Vacation

Topeka, KA – After seven months of relentless study and reflection of the maps within his well-worn ESV, Bruce Michaels, 56, has finally prepared his upcoming family vacation to the Promised Land. Michaels, who manages a local Home Depot, decided to switch from more traditional methods of constructing itineraries after he noted several discrepanices between Fodor’s Travel Guides, Lonely Planet, and Let’s Go Travel Guides involving travel times, distances between cities, and prices for TGIF’s.  According to Michaels’ own report,  ”it was after the eighth error within these man-made documents that I decided to turn to the one infallible authority for my life,” adding that “my travel guide is no longer Let’s Go but Let God.” Cities within the Michaels’ trip now include Ofra, Ziddim, Ramoth-Gilead, Etam, and Shiloh, while Timanth, a current Philistine stronghold, was carefully avoided. “There’s no way I’m taking my family even close to Timanth, or Ashdod for that matter,” Michaels exclaimed. When questioned by a concerned neighbor, Michaels responded, “if these maps are good enough for God, then they’re good enough for me.”

Hans Küng Converts to Catholicism

Tübingen, Germany – The Schwabisches Tagblatt has confirmed that it will soon print an interview with renowed scholar Hans Küng in which the Swiss theologian declares his intention to become Roman Catholic. The interview, which will be printed in the special Sunday edition of Kultur, Mode, Personen, will relate Küng’s long and winding theological and philosophical journey to Roman Catholicism. Speaking to the Tagblatt’s Kulturberichterstetter Ulrich Wolfsberger, Küng allegedly notes, “my move to Roman Catholicism comes after years of dabbling in Barth, Hegel, and my vision of a Weltethos, which now seems a little zany even to me. I just thought that it was finally time for me to come home.” Pope Benedict XVI is said to have visibly shuddered at hearing the news.

The Vocabulary Corner

This week’s The Vocabulary Corner is brought to you in conjunction with Catherine “laudate deum” Pickstock.

sororal, adj.: of or pertaining to a sister, sisterly

Area Grad Student Collapses God into Creation

Milwaukee, WI – According to those familiar with the incident, Timothy Jones, a 24 year-old grad student in Systematic Theology at Marquette University, recently collapsed God into creation. During an offhand discussion of Hegel’s Philosophy of Religion Lectures in Coughlin Hall,  Jones apparently stated, before several innocent bystanders, women and children, that given Hegel’s irrefutable account of the mediation of identity through otherness God only reaches self-consciousness through God’s own historical dealings within and as the created order. Jones’ statement was immediately followed by gasps, crying children, and stammerings from other PhD students and a janitor who was just walking by.  A source who wishes to remain anonymous reported, “I just couldn’t believe that Jones went there and collapsed God into creation. He just thinks he’s so gangsta!” God has not been seen or heard from since.

David Bentley Hart Challenges Jesus to Spelling Bee

Providence, RI. In a recent stunning turn of events, Eastern Orthodox theologian David Bentley Hart has challenged Jesus Christ, Christianity’s lovable Savior and sometimes chili cook-off judge, to a spelling bee. The gauntlet was first thrown down by Hart last Saturday evening over a pint with some friends at the local Union Station Brewery. Upon immediately receiving the news, Jesus is reported to have exclaimed, “Shit!” later elaborating, “I realize that I participate in omniscience by virtue of my divine nature, but I’m screwed, I just know it!” While Hart spent last Saturday listening to Sergei Taneyev’s second symphony, Jesus was to be found feverishly studying the unabridged OED while mumbling, “I knew I shouldn’t have given up all those divine omni’s  in my self-emptying from eternal glory.” God the Father could not be reached for comment.

Robert Jenson’s Own Future Includes KFC Visit

Princeton, NJ. At 8:45 pm last night Robert Jenson, Senior Scholar for Research at the Center for Theological Inquiry, discovered that his own Future included a visit to KFC. According to Jenson’s own reports, it was as he was working on his  Ezekiel commentary that “the power the Future, which ever shapes and compels our own pasts and presents toward unpredictable actualities, encountered me in this specific manner: a Chicken and Biscuit Famous Bowl from KFC.” KFC employee Tanya Willis, 16, confirmed Jenson’s visit and stated, “yeah, that old guy with the white collar was in here again and this time he didn’t even sit down to eat, but just stood there, looking at me over the counter while he shoved food into his mouth.”  Jenson also noted that he opted for the Spicy Potato Wedges instead of his usual portion of BBQ Baked Beans.

Introduction to German Student Loses All Respect For Ernest Käsemann

Spokane WA. Steven Davis, a Master of Arts in Religion Studies student at Gonzaga University, has recently lost all of his respect for Ernest Käsemann. While attending an Introduction to German course in the hopes of bolstering the strength of his doctoral program applications, Davis, 24, inadvertently discovered the English translation of Käsemann. “There I was, studying the kitchen and cooking vocabulary lessons in chapter two of the workbook when I discovered that Käse means cheese.” According to his own report, Davis had recently been reading Käsemann’s 1953 groundbreaking lecture “The Problem of the Historical Jesus,” the night before his discovery; “I had been thinking about Käsemann and the coherence of the pre-Easter and post-Easter accounts of Jesus during my flashcard making session and put two and two together: ‘Käsemann’ means ‘Cheeseman!’ It was all downhill from there.” When asked about the scholar’s continuing significance for study of the NT Davis quipped, “Yeah, I know he brought back the whole Jesus quest thing, started the discussion of Jewish apocalypticism in New Testament Studies, and made up that whole double criteria thing, but still, Cheesman? C’mon!”